approved

So they approved my proposal. I guess that is a good thing but I don't feel elated or satisfied. I feel like I was an idiot at some parts in the meeting and I felt like it just kept going and going and going.

[I wrote that last week and feel pretty much the same way today].

No one said good job, or we are looking forward to the data or anything 'positive' so I just felt deflated after the meeting. I'm usually a glass is half full kind of person and in general pretty positive. But I just felt like on one hand they didn't really care about the same things I did but they felt the need to badger me. I wasn't expecting any huge wow!, super! or anything, I mean I realize they are there to provide input and give suggestions for change. But on the other hand, you put so much into a proposal a, "Hey that was nicely done" would have been nice to hear. {why is positive feed back such a no no in academia anyway? Half the time I second guess myself only to find out hey I did do that correctly!, or that wasn't a bad idea after all. Getting some sort of feedback in a positive light might actually make me believe in myself just a little bit...}

The meeting started with the committee making jokes about how people are having proposal meetings later and later, and how if they made grad school more miserable or paid us less or worked us harder, or took fewer students we might be motivated to leave sooner. (because our lives are just too cushy and why not be below the poverty line?) Yes, they were joking but seriously!? That is NOT what I needed to hear just then.

After the meeting, when I had been waiting in the hall for probably 10-15 minutes but what felt like HOURS to find out the decision, the first member was already out the door saying, "Hey, what are you doing out here? You have a lot of work to do!" Yeah I found that absolutely hilarious!

Anyway, I made it and I did it without my adviser present, so I must have done something right! I'm trying to let it go and move on. It is over, now all the usable data I collect can be used for my thesis.

Later in the week I was asked to meet with an Ivy League faculty member (because my PI couldn't do it) to show them our lab and talk. I was very nervous but he was really friendly and overall the 30 minutes flew by. I had to drive him to his next appointment to a building on the far side of campus. I think he thought that was a little strange, and I felt a little weird asking him to get into my ancient Camry but it went ok. I did feel like I'm no where in that league at all and have been questioning my abilities all week! (Not a good week for my science self esteem) I realize I am not super, super, smart, and I know I will never be a name in science, I just want a post-doc and a job. But in this field I feel like that is asking for a lot and I still don't know if I have what it takes. I hear my fellow female grad students saying similar things sometimes, I rarely hear my male counterparts say these things. Maybe they think them but don't voice them. Maybe they are just more confident. How do you cope with feelings of inadequacy?