worried

My sister had a heart surgery today. She has an 'extra' nerve that has been causing her heart to race abnormally high, so they were going to remove it. Apparently, it was supposed to be an outpatient procedure but she was under for over 4 hours and now has to spend the night. That is all I know, because that is all her husband told us. I hope she will be ok. Her husband is leaving the country for business on Sunday, I don't know if she will be ok then, and she has to deal with their two kids. I would go stay with her if need be. I know my Dad said he would too but she said no. I wonder if she would reconsider now.....

I'm also stressed about my proposal. I got it back from my PI who had a few suggestions. They aren't huge but there were 3 Please add these broader topics for the intro chapter/ review part. Which I have been avoiding. I'm so sick of my writing that finding the motivation to add three new short sections, read up about them and insert them without disrupting the flow of the paper is weighing me down. She said she thought it was close to being finished. She didn't make a lot of edits as this is "my proposal". Her adviser was the opposite and edited almost every word, so she is very hands off. I understand this but I don't just want an ok proposal I want a GOOD one. I know this is my responsibility but I feel like I need help to get there. After you spend so much time on something it is hard to tell if it is ok, or good. Is it clear? Does it make all the points it should? Is it up to par w/ departmental standards? I don't want to slide by or just be ok. I want the committee to say wow that was good! Yes you should do this research. But I'm having a hard time pushing myself right now as I feel tired and worn out. I need a kick in the pants, but I fear my adviser is even more tired than me. (Understandably so, she just turned in her tenure packet last week!) But how do I ask for more without being whiny or rude? I'm not trying to say do this for me, I'm trying ask her to kick the crap out of it now so that the committee doesn't do it later.

At the same time if I think of all the data collection I need to get done, the upcoming poster w/ very little data, and finding a post-doc position it almost paralyzes me with fear. I feel like a rabbit frozen in place. I just want to bury myself in a hole and sleep.

But I am going to the departmental kick off tonight which will be fun. If I distract myself with friends, food, cooking, organizing etc I do ok. When I stop to think or try to sleep I panic on the inside. I know the only way to combat this is to move forward and keep working, but I feel like I didn't get a real break this summer. First we were behind on submitting papers (we tried to submit 6 papers in 6 months or less) I think we submitted 4. Then we had the flooding, then I moved, then I had the proposal deadline fast approaching. Now the semester is here, the meeting is bearing down and I still have so much left to do. I so scared I'll finish and won't have a job. Or I won't be equipped to do well at the post-doc I find. Or I'll spend another 5 years of my life working hard on research to not find a real job. I guess in the big picture that scares me the most. I have been through 5 difficult years for various reasons, and I know that really this is just the beginning. Can I keep this up for another 3-5 years, just to start over again? see again the fear.
sorry this was so long!