It always seems like I get the urge to write in the middle of the day when I'm at work but I can't really do it then, either because I'm busy, or there are too many boys around. There are 5 guys and me so sometimes it gets loud but either way I can't blog around them. Anyway, I digress. In the middle of the day I get great ideas, oh I could write about this, or this.... I'm like a diet coke all bubbly and happy, then by the time I get home I'm like a flat soda. All spent and boring. Words don't flow. The posts I had contemplated earlier has vanished. So this makes for unexciting blog and bad titles I suppose.
Anyway, I think I really wanted to write about how I'm feeling stressed even though I'm up to date on lab work in general and have no immediate deadlines. Current projects, day to day work is ok... but I feel like I'm not pushing myself. I'm coming home to watch TV, work out, cook, spend time w/ E and all of that is great except that then I feel like I should be working. Or working more. I used to work late several nights a week, now that I'm not TAing and taking classes I don't need to as much, or maybe I'm just telling that to myself because now that I have time to myself if feels so great. I have heard I look good from various people, (ok two were family members who are probably biased and nice) but still. I think it is because I'm not working so many crazy hours and I'm actually taking whole weekends off sometimes. This balance means I'm not so stressed most of the time.
Except for days like today when I woke up and my first thought was, "I have to do X, Y, and Z or I will never get finished with this whole process." That scared me because I need to do those things mostly on my own and nobody will do them for me. They are long term and scary (like my proposal, or proposal defense, or some of my data collection). And then I realized even though I plan on staying another year I'm still running out of time. Some of the stuff I can do now... some of the stuff I'm waiting for very specific equipment. Equipment that is big and expensive and not something I can just order on the credit card, so I've been waiting for my PI to do that. I guess that means I need to start asking, hey when are we going to get to this.....? I need the equipment to collect my data, to get preliminary data for my proposal for a chapter, and to eventually to leave.
Where will I leave too? That is a whole other freak out cognitive experience that I'm not ready to contemplate right now.
I think I've been avoiding thinking about all the stuff I have to do, to be carefree. But days like today reality sets in. How do I avoid this stuff? I color. Yes, like a small child I sit at my coffee table and color kids coloring books. It is not productive but oh so relaxing.
Tonight I brought some papers home to read and some data to play with so I will try to get some work done. I just know that I will never finish this whole school thing unless I push myself out the door. I know that isn't an insightful realization, I mean duh I knew this on some level all along but when you get semi-close to the end it is sort of scary.
Anyway, I think I really wanted to write about how I'm feeling stressed even though I'm up to date on lab work in general and have no immediate deadlines. Current projects, day to day work is ok... but I feel like I'm not pushing myself. I'm coming home to watch TV, work out, cook, spend time w/ E and all of that is great except that then I feel like I should be working. Or working more. I used to work late several nights a week, now that I'm not TAing and taking classes I don't need to as much, or maybe I'm just telling that to myself because now that I have time to myself if feels so great. I have heard I look good from various people, (ok two were family members who are probably biased and nice) but still. I think it is because I'm not working so many crazy hours and I'm actually taking whole weekends off sometimes. This balance means I'm not so stressed most of the time.
Except for days like today when I woke up and my first thought was, "I have to do X, Y, and Z or I will never get finished with this whole process." That scared me because I need to do those things mostly on my own and nobody will do them for me. They are long term and scary (like my proposal, or proposal defense, or some of my data collection). And then I realized even though I plan on staying another year I'm still running out of time. Some of the stuff I can do now... some of the stuff I'm waiting for very specific equipment. Equipment that is big and expensive and not something I can just order on the credit card, so I've been waiting for my PI to do that. I guess that means I need to start asking, hey when are we going to get to this.....? I need the equipment to collect my data, to get preliminary data for my proposal for a chapter, and to eventually to leave.
Where will I leave too? That is a whole other freak out cognitive experience that I'm not ready to contemplate right now.
I think I've been avoiding thinking about all the stuff I have to do, to be carefree. But days like today reality sets in. How do I avoid this stuff? I color. Yes, like a small child I sit at my coffee table and color kids coloring books. It is not productive but oh so relaxing.
Tonight I brought some papers home to read and some data to play with so I will try to get some work done. I just know that I will never finish this whole school thing unless I push myself out the door. I know that isn't an insightful realization, I mean duh I knew this on some level all along but when you get semi-close to the end it is sort of scary.
posted by B @ Monday, October 15, 2007
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