perspective

Ok I didn't mean to sound so bitter yesterday but it really sucked. I know that I am very blessed and lucky to be where I am. I get to pursue a degree in something I am most interested in. I get to chose what I work on and on top of that I have a great husband, family, friends and my health.
But as my friend R would say, "You can still feel like it sucked, and that is ok to feel and say!"
I know losing this award is not the end of the world. It was the feeling that even though I take on more responsibility and do more of my own work, it doesn't seem to matter. The whole being pushed thing bothers me because it makes me feel like my PI didn't notice that I was doing a lot. I wouldn't still be here if I didn't want to be and I didn't push myself. She wasn't around to push me for years but now out of the blue she is ready too? That is the part I don't really get. She sees more potential but just now is mentoring in that fashion? I get mixed messages. One day she says,
"I'm pleased with your progress on your dissertation, you will really get done when you say you will. That is great!" But she always seems surprised when I do really well.
For example, she told me I was a crappy writer but then when I submitted my first paper and the reviews were fantastic with very few changes, she was shocked! She was worried I would struggle with my comprehensive exams, but after the oral defense she told me that she and the other faculty thought it was one of the best ones they had seen. She could hardly believe it. so I guess part of the time I feel like I have to constantly be proving myself and demonstrating that I'm a better candidate then she or any of the other faculty thought I would be. But at the same time I still get the feeling that most of the faculty rank me as a 'second class' student. Maybe I'm insecure but I really do feel sometimes like they look down their nose at me. I'm not trying to whine I'm just trying to explain more.