4:53 am
It is early in the morning and I can't sleep. I think I've been awake for a couple of hours. Thursday I got my hair cut and they curled my hair too! I rarely get my hair cut or styled so for a day I had cute hair. So Friday morning I took a shower but left my hair because it still had volume and bounce. I put it up and even put on makeup. I also rarely wear makeup because I don't see the point most of the time. I work in a lab and get peed on why wear makeup?
So anyway I was all set to have a wonderful Friday. Even a cute looking one!
But then I got crapped on. My PI calls me to her office to inform me that she doesn't want to write me a letter for this award because both me and my lab mate are both eligible. And her writing a letter for us both would make it hard for the other faculty to pick between us, and she only has one vote and honestly it is going to him, so why even put me in the ring? Also, if I am entered I might weaken my labmate's chance of winning and we wouldn't want that would we? Of course it is my decision, she will still write me the letter if I want. But why would I want that now? Also, she discussed this dilemma with another faculty member and he wouldn't pick me either. So now I know she won't pick me, faculty member X wouldn't either and I know faculty member Y is submitting stuff for his student. We have a small number of faculty voting on this, so what is the point of me even trying?
The award is based on the publications made last year. So labmate published in a higher tier journal. Last week I said I'm not even going to bother for this because I know that I don't have a chance and this high flying pub will most likely win. But then my PI contacted me and said "this would be really good for you! You should do this, I'll write the letter, give me a draft of things I could say, and the rest of the stuff you need." So that is why I feel like crap now. Why have me put stuff together and assure me that it isn't all about impact factor. Then tell me that well, "I have to go with his paper because even though you actually wrote your own paper, his is in a "flagship" journal." The award is supposed to be about the student contribution. Um ok, so the stuff the faculty have been saying every other week about how they think impact factor has gotten out of control, and you should focus on publishing good work for your audience, doesn't really mean anything. I mean I knew that to begin with, so why did I even try?
On top of this she tells me she is really going to push me. And even though I'm the only graduate student with new data for our fall conference she actually wants me to submit two abstracts. One for the stuff that I've been working on for a while on my own and one for stuff that we barely have any data for. I mean we got the equipment in February and hooked it up in March. I have been running as many sessions as I can for the last month but I have next to nothing. And it hasn't even been analyzed yet so it all could be nothing. But by fall I should have stuff. Should does not mean that I will. This really bugs me because she doesn't think I work hard enough. Even though I put in more than the other students in my lab. Labmate and I are the same year but he does not have any new data. I've been collecting data for my dissertation and even got a first author paper out on part of it this month. But I'm the one she feels the need to push? I've been pushing myself for 5 years. Ok this past year I stopped working like a maniac. I work on average 47-50 hours a week and of course more if need be. But I did push myself hard for 3 years and I didn't get anything out of it; except more responsibility and more stress. So why would I keep doing that to myself? I mean my PI was mentally checked out for almost 2 years. I saw her once every couple months and I am still here! I still collected data, came up with projects, kept things up for the lab. It kills me to think that she doesn't think I work enough for her. Yes you can always work more, but I wouldn't have made it this far if I didn't work hard; TAing for 3 years straight including summers, teaching while going through comps; working with very little grant money, etc. I feel like I get beat down a lot and so I tried harder. I worked smarter and collected publishable data (mostly on my own!). Now what do I get for that? sorry I don't pick you and p.s. try harder! That is very unmotivating. It DOES NOT make me feel like I should prove 'em wrong. Because I did raise the bar and did more. I'm like a dog trying to jump over a counter and every time I get close to the edge I get kicked down and told try again! Hmm this is a great strategy to get more out of someone.
She said she wanted me to maybe give a talk at this small satellite conference on the very little data poster, because I should have a lot by the fall, and it would be good for me for finding a post doc etc. I know that is probably true but what if it doesn't work? Besides I'm only submitting a poster and they may not invite me to talk anyway. Then she told me that our new research scientist had a lot of data and so she was making him submit two abstracts too. Because you can only submit one first author poster she is putting my labmate on one as first author. At least she didn't suggest that for my two. She is putting herself as first author one of mine. So he has no new data but gets handed an abstract he can add to his CV. nice. I really need to learn how he does it! (I mean not doing that much but still getting stuff for it)
So anyway I was all set to have a wonderful Friday. Even a cute looking one!
But then I got crapped on. My PI calls me to her office to inform me that she doesn't want to write me a letter for this award because both me and my lab mate are both eligible. And her writing a letter for us both would make it hard for the other faculty to pick between us, and she only has one vote and honestly it is going to him, so why even put me in the ring? Also, if I am entered I might weaken my labmate's chance of winning and we wouldn't want that would we? Of course it is my decision, she will still write me the letter if I want. But why would I want that now? Also, she discussed this dilemma with another faculty member and he wouldn't pick me either. So now I know she won't pick me, faculty member X wouldn't either and I know faculty member Y is submitting stuff for his student. We have a small number of faculty voting on this, so what is the point of me even trying?
The award is based on the publications made last year. So labmate published in a higher tier journal. Last week I said I'm not even going to bother for this because I know that I don't have a chance and this high flying pub will most likely win. But then my PI contacted me and said "this would be really good for you! You should do this, I'll write the letter, give me a draft of things I could say, and the rest of the stuff you need." So that is why I feel like crap now. Why have me put stuff together and assure me that it isn't all about impact factor. Then tell me that well, "I have to go with his paper because even though you actually wrote your own paper, his is in a "flagship" journal." The award is supposed to be about the student contribution. Um ok, so the stuff the faculty have been saying every other week about how they think impact factor has gotten out of control, and you should focus on publishing good work for your audience, doesn't really mean anything. I mean I knew that to begin with, so why did I even try?
On top of this she tells me she is really going to push me. And even though I'm the only graduate student with new data for our fall conference she actually wants me to submit two abstracts. One for the stuff that I've been working on for a while on my own and one for stuff that we barely have any data for. I mean we got the equipment in February and hooked it up in March. I have been running as many sessions as I can for the last month but I have next to nothing. And it hasn't even been analyzed yet so it all could be nothing. But by fall I should have stuff. Should does not mean that I will. This really bugs me because she doesn't think I work hard enough. Even though I put in more than the other students in my lab. Labmate and I are the same year but he does not have any new data. I've been collecting data for my dissertation and even got a first author paper out on part of it this month. But I'm the one she feels the need to push? I've been pushing myself for 5 years. Ok this past year I stopped working like a maniac. I work on average 47-50 hours a week and of course more if need be. But I did push myself hard for 3 years and I didn't get anything out of it; except more responsibility and more stress. So why would I keep doing that to myself? I mean my PI was mentally checked out for almost 2 years. I saw her once every couple months and I am still here! I still collected data, came up with projects, kept things up for the lab. It kills me to think that she doesn't think I work enough for her. Yes you can always work more, but I wouldn't have made it this far if I didn't work hard; TAing for 3 years straight including summers, teaching while going through comps; working with very little grant money, etc. I feel like I get beat down a lot and so I tried harder. I worked smarter and collected publishable data (mostly on my own!). Now what do I get for that? sorry I don't pick you and p.s. try harder! That is very unmotivating. It DOES NOT make me feel like I should prove 'em wrong. Because I did raise the bar and did more. I'm like a dog trying to jump over a counter and every time I get close to the edge I get kicked down and told try again! Hmm this is a great strategy to get more out of someone.
She said she wanted me to maybe give a talk at this small satellite conference on the very little data poster, because I should have a lot by the fall, and it would be good for me for finding a post doc etc. I know that is probably true but what if it doesn't work? Besides I'm only submitting a poster and they may not invite me to talk anyway. Then she told me that our new research scientist had a lot of data and so she was making him submit two abstracts too. Because you can only submit one first author poster she is putting my labmate on one as first author. At least she didn't suggest that for my two. She is putting herself as first author one of mine. So he has no new data but gets handed an abstract he can add to his CV. nice. I really need to learn how he does it! (I mean not doing that much but still getting stuff for it)
posted by B @ Saturday, May 10, 2008
4 Comments:
At 6:00 AM,
Psych Post Doc said…
Wow, that really sucks about the award. I mean why bother making you get all that together only to then decide she doesn't want to write the letter. Why bother having the award contenders submit anything if they're going to decide ahead of time who they'll pick.
I get the feeling that your PI did not mean "You're not working hard enough" when she said she was going to push you. Could it be that she means she's going to push you to be out in the open more, push you to get more noticeable so you can be one of those hot shots on the post-doc and then job market?
If at all possible, (and I know this is a lot to ask) you need to stop comparing yourself to lab mate. Just keep doing your thing (getting pubs, collecting new data) and it will pay off. Your PI is trying to do the best for the both of you, and right now she has to sorta lead him by the hand, but the fact that she doesn't have to do that with you, will pay off in strong letters from her in the future.
Just do your thing, you're obviously making amazing progress!
At 12:45 PM,
B said…
Thanks psych post doc. I try not to compare myself all the time but it can be hard when I know other people do it and my PI makes comments like, well you are competing for x....
At 6:56 PM,
PG said…
I think that although it's not the nicest message to hear, what your PI said would have been ok if she didn't tell you to apply for the award to begin with. It's probably fair for her to be honest about whether she would support your application when you and a labmate are competing for the same individual award. It's annoying that she wasted your time.
I know it's very hard not to internalize any sort of negative feedback you receive from your supervisor/PI. I always try to remind myself that this is MY Ph.D. and that my progress/effort/success should be based on the goals I have for myself and not the goals of my supervisor.
Also, if you would feel comfortable doing it, it might be helpful to sit down with your PI and ask for direct feedback about whether she feels your progress is in line with your goals (and her expectations). It sounds like you're trying to infer her impression of you based on her feedback and that you're concerned that she is not happy with your progress. She may, in fact, be quite satisfied with your progress but views it to be her role to push you, despite being satisfied with your work. I don't like guessing how people feel because I know I tend to assume the worst, which can impede my progress, lower self-esteem, etc.
I guess the issue is: is she pushing you as a result of poor performance or does she feel that pushing you is just part of her role as PI?
At 2:02 PM,
B said…
psychgrad-
I wouldn't feel comfortable asking her that. It just make things strange and uncomfortable. I think she is pushing me because even though she has told me she is happy with my progress on my dissertation she still wants more.
Post a Comment
<< Home