Happy New Year!

So it has been a while since I wrote. I had a great times at a friends New Year's eve party, too much confetti though it was everywhere! I haven't really reflected that much on 2005 mostly because for me it was much of the same, class, lab and teaching. In fact most of my year feels like it was sucked away by my comprehensive exams which began last March and lasted until September. Much too long if you ask me. I feel like I lost all of this time and I can't get it back. I'm finding it hard to motivate myself because I busted my ass to do well on my comps and I feel like it was for nothing. I passed but then back to the regular drag, now that comps our over we need to double my research output.... etc. On top of that my research has been so tedius and impossible. My PI keeps retrying the same ideas, and won't take my suggestions. Some of which I know I are necessary to do what we are attempting. She keeps saying we will get to these things but it has taken months and months! I would do it myselft but unfortuntely I cannot as it involves some very expensive technical procedure stuff that I haven't been trained in yet. We had our semester end chat last week and basically she gave me "met expectations" on everything. She said she almost gave me exceeded expectations on expressing my research because of my outstanding oral comps presentation. In fact other faculty told me that I had had one of the best oral comps not only of my year of students but past years as well. And I was the only student who had to teach an hour class 5 days a week for 8 weeks DURING my comps plus keep up in lab. If that doesn't merit exceeded expectations I don't know what will, and so I feel like it is a waste to give this my all, straining my relationship having less time for me or anything else in my life. I work hard, I am productive, yet I still feel like I'm treading water in the same place. I also know that I if I don't continue to push myself I will never get out of here and that is my only motivation right now to keep moving. Perhaps I only did meet expectations. I kept my lab running and passed my exams that is what graduate students do, but it feels like I had to jump through more hoops than other students and part of me wants to be recognized for that.

May 2006 bring me more motivation, strength and endurance for this year's research!